lostwriter
New Member
The Lost One Now Found And Willing To Help
Posts: 27
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Post by lostwriter on Feb 6, 2013 23:12:44 GMT -5
.... I just want to rant about everything. About how I have to go to school pretending everything's alright. Like I don't think about killing myself every night. If you were to ask anyone at my school about me they'd say I'm a happy crazy cheerful blue haired freak who can always crack a good joke. That's not me though. I wish I could go to school and tell them about my girlfriend or how I finished a whole homestuck act bawling. No, I can't. I can't be truthful to anyone. My whole personality is a lie, and no one knows... no one would understand.... I was that way, the one everyone went to with their problems, not bothering to ask if I was okay. No one noticed the long sleeves or the jacket I wore in 70 - 90 degree weather, claiming I was just chilly. That was me. I was hyper, the blonde that made the jokes, or got them just a little too late. The one who, when she complained, made it sound like she was joking. Never once did they ask why I was so quiet when everything settled, not once did they ask if I was going to be okay after I failed yet another French test and made a joke out of it, claiming I would never get it, and I never did. Stop the lies, stop the act, even for just a minute and they all look at you like you have a third eye or another head, but if they are true friends, they understand, they get that maybe you are not who they crack you up to be, and that the person behind the crazy is just broken and in need of fixing, just as much as they are. It took me a real long time to realize this, but I hope that maybe, one day, you can drop the act and everything will turn out okay for you, because behind the lies, and the masks, I know, is a person who just needs love and understanding. Please, if you have never read the poem, "Please Hear What I Am Not Saying" by Charles C. Finn, go to the address I provide, and read it. It changed my life a little, and maybe it can change yours. www.poetrybycharlescfinn.com/pleasehear.html
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Post by simplymelodic on Feb 7, 2013 17:49:57 GMT -5
I read what you had posted yesterday, and tried to do it today. Just to see how it all went. Of course, I got the reassurance of "Don't worry about anything! I'll never forget you." And for a while, I really did believe it. Maybe I've been thinking about this too hard... I'm trying to be happy for her! I really want to be happy for her, actually. But the instances just keep coming back and back. She's an active person. Swimming on this day, and piano lessons on another day. I don't want to cut into her schedule, since she already has enough to worry about. She has a ton to worry about; why should she need to worry about me as well? I invited her to spend time with me on the weekend, but she already made plans with someone else. I know she's not rude, and didn't want to decline on the other person's event or whatever anyways, just to see me. We weren't going to do anything too over the top either. Play games, watch t.v, Internet. Stuff like that. But she's busy with other people. I feel like I don't need to be worried about, but I feel like I'm almost craving someones attention at this point. I spoke to my sister about this, since she's closest in age to me, and I felt like she would understand the kind of turmoil that I'm going through. However, I was told that I was being selfish and that BB has a life outside of me. Of course I know she has a life outside of being with me, her friend. Since she has other friends to go to instead. Something that has been happening this week, makes me want to just scream and punch a wall. There's a person that I really don't get along well with. Let's call her BT. And that person has -I'm not sure if it's purposeful or not- began to dig her way into my spot as BB's friend and drive me out. BB and I became friends since we had so many things in common. We would have conversations for hours and hours, and not get bored any single moment of it. We talked on the phone and emailed each other. BT and I don't get along, and I mean at all. I think she's a little rude, and she thinks that I'm a coward. BT is now talking with BB as frequently as I used to, and is going to her swimming events that I wasn't invited to. I might just be moved out of my spot as a friend. I didn't think such a thing could be possible. I know that my friends will have friends of their own. I know, I know, and it makes me feel like I'm being a brat because I'm making it about me. Er- for the lack of me being there. I'm always there for her. As much as I possibly can. How am I supposed to feel, now that I might not be needed anymore.
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renaruki
New Member
I feel pain where you don't.
Posts: 17
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Post by renaruki on Feb 7, 2013 21:53:35 GMT -5
Ugh i wanted to shoot someone in math class. People were messing with me and taking my stuff when I was doing homework. I just wanted to punch someone in the face. I wound up screaming at people to leave me alone. After that I asked the teacher to go out into the hall and people asked to go to the bathroom or get water just to mess with me. My boyfriend couldn't even call me down. I had isolated myself during my electives. I spoke to nobody and kept my feelings bottled up until after school when I got home. I'm surprised my boyfriend didn't go to hug me. That's basically all I wanted. I was texting him until I fell asleep for about three hours. I Just wanted to talk to people. I just need help. I have so much anger I have no idea what to do. Also I'm attempting the Butterfly project. My damn markers suck they are all faded but three. The Oldest ones too. One green, One Red, One pink.
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Post by Uuniison on Feb 7, 2013 22:12:11 GMT -5
Ugh i wanted to shoot someone in math class. People were messing with me and taking my stuff when I was doing homework. I just wanted to punch someone in the face. I wound up screaming at people to leave me alone. After that I asked the teacher to go out into the hall and people asked to go to the bathroom or get water just to mess with me. My boyfriend couldn't even call me down. I had isolated myself during my electives. I spoke to nobody and kept my feelings bottled up until after school when I got home. I'm surprised my boyfriend didn't go to hug me. That's basically all I wanted. I was texting him until I fell asleep for about three hours. I Just wanted to talk to people. I just need help. I have so much anger I have no idea what to do. Also I'm attempting the Butterfly project. My damn markers suck they are all faded but three. The Oldest ones too. One green, One Red, One pink. Keep talking to your boyfriend, that's the best thing. Try to imagine that you're hugging him, make it your happy place. Imagine yourself in a pretty meadow or some kind of sanctuary where you and your boyfriend are just sitting there, holding each other. The markers I use to make butterflies are a set of 30 different colored markers by Cra-Z-Art that are washable and non-toxic. I got them at Wal-Mart for about 3 dollars, I believe. (Yeah, these are kiddie markers, but they work well enough.
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renaruki
New Member
I feel pain where you don't.
Posts: 17
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Post by renaruki on Feb 7, 2013 22:25:24 GMT -5
Ugh i wanted to shoot someone in math class. People were messing with me and taking my stuff when I was doing homework. I just wanted to punch someone in the face. I wound up screaming at people to leave me alone. After that I asked the teacher to go out into the hall and people asked to go to the bathroom or get water just to mess with me. My boyfriend couldn't even call me down. I had isolated myself during my electives. I spoke to nobody and kept my feelings bottled up until after school when I got home. I'm surprised my boyfriend didn't go to hug me. That's basically all I wanted. I was texting him until I fell asleep for about three hours. I Just wanted to talk to people. I just need help. I have so much anger I have no idea what to do. Also I'm attempting the Butterfly project. My damn markers suck they are all faded but three. The Oldest ones too. One green, One Red, One pink. Keep talking to your boyfriend, that's the best thing. Try to imagine that you're hugging him, make it your happy place. Imagine yourself in a pretty meadow or some kind of sanctuary where you and your boyfriend are just sitting there, holding each other. The markers I use to make butterflies are a set of 30 different colored markers by Cra-Z-Art that are washable and non-toxic. I got them at Wal-Mart for about 3 dollars, I believe. (Yeah, these are kiddie markers, but they work well enough. Heh. Also I think my boyfriend is afraid to touch me. I mean I am no the nicest person so yeah... He was my punchin' bag. I haven't hit him in forever. My pet ginger says Im losing my touch. ((Yes, I have a pet ginger))
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Post by Uuniison on Feb 7, 2013 22:29:56 GMT -5
Keep talking to your boyfriend, that's the best thing. Try to imagine that you're hugging him, make it your happy place. Imagine yourself in a pretty meadow or some kind of sanctuary where you and your boyfriend are just sitting there, holding each other. The markers I use to make butterflies are a set of 30 different colored markers by Cra-Z-Art that are washable and non-toxic. I got them at Wal-Mart for about 3 dollars, I believe. (Yeah, these are kiddie markers, but they work well enough. Heh. Also I think my boyfriend is afraid to touch me. I mean I am no the nicest person so yeah... He was my punchin' bag. I haven't hit him in forever. My pet ginger says Im losing my touch. ((Yes, I have a pet ginger)) Well, if you used him as your punching bag and it's alright with him, then you guys are pretty close. You rely on each other.
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Post by ilovepercy122 on Feb 7, 2013 22:52:07 GMT -5
Oh my fucking god. My grandfather will not SHUT THE HELL UP. It's ways about what he wants, what he needs, and what he expects of me. DAMNIT. I'M FUCKING DEPRESSED AND ALL YOU CAN FUCKING DO IS SIT THERE AND CRITISIZE EVERY SINGLE THING I DO? DO YOU ENOY WATCHING ME SUFFER?! I really think he does. He hears me crying at night and IGNORES IT. My dad simply and utterly refuses to suck it up and come back to Indiana. He thinks it's okay to leave his teenage daughter with his father to go and spend money on the woman who used to ABUSE said teenage daughter. Yup. She used to smack the shit out of me. I miss my goddamn little brother, who went with my abusive stepmother back to her home country. The bullies are targeting not just me, but my girlfriend too. I'm sick of it. The next time one of those jocks makes a snarky gay joke, I'm gonna break his fucking face to the point of non recognition. DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU ASSHATS?! I WILL END YOU THERE AND NOW!!!! Gotta go. More venting to come, for sure.
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Post by Uuniison on Feb 7, 2013 23:00:48 GMT -5
Oh my fucking god. My grandfather will not SHUT THE HELL UP. It's ways about what he wants, what he needs, and what he expects of me. DAMNIT. I'M FUCKING DEPRESSED AND ALL YOU CAN FUCKING DO IS SIT THERE AND CRITISIZE EVERY SINGLE THING I DO? DO YOU ENOY WATCHING ME SUFFER?! I really think he does. He hears me crying at night and IGNORES IT. My dad simply and utterly refuses to suck it up and come back to Indiana. He thinks it's okay to leave his teenage daughter with his father to go and spend money on the woman who used to ABUSE said teenage daughter. Yup. She used to smack the shit out of me. I miss my goddamn little brother, who went with my abusive stepmother back to her home country. The bullies are targeting not just me, but my girlfriend too. I'm sick of it. The next time one of those jocks makes a snarky gay joke, I'm gonna break his fucking face to the point of non recognition. DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU ASSHATS?! I WILL END YOU THERE AND NOW!!!! Gotta go. More venting to come, for sure. Try not to get too violent. You don't want to get suspended or expelled even though you were just defending yourself and your girlfriend. Do you have any pictures of your little brother? If so, look at it and think of all the times you were with him, and pretend he was still there with you. Imagine you two laughing and smiling together. Try and see if you could write letters to him as well. Grandpa ignores you? Ignore him and what he says. Although, if he asks you to get something for him, like a TV remote or something, do get it for him. Even though you dislike him, he's still your elder and your family.
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renaruki
New Member
I feel pain where you don't.
Posts: 17
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Post by renaruki on Feb 9, 2013 15:50:01 GMT -5
My mom is being a pain. I want to spend the day with my cousin and she is saying "You need to do your chores" THEY ARE ALRETTY DONE! I want to spent the day with my cousin. I just need time with her, I want to have fun. Ugh I never get what I want. First my damn tablet breaks and I can't order a new one yet and all I want to do is scream at my mom to let me be with my cousin. T-T I NEED TIME WITH HER! Why is nothing able to go my way! UFGHFHGDF WHAT THE HELL! I just need something to calm me down. But my mother wont let me do anything to calm me down. UGH WHY ME! Starting this morning I got up took a shower and my left ear decides to not let me hear to well. After that my hair dryer doesn't work and I cant find my sisters hair straightener. After that... I find out that there is rumors about me going around. FUN! Following that I had talked to my mom about spending the day with my cousin. "If you get ALL your chores done." =_=;; I cleaned the kitchen cleaned up bird shit and put all my stuff away WHAT MORE CAN I DO! Nothing has gone my way today. Ugh I need a hug or something. I want to be with my cousin. THE BIRD WONT SHUT UP!!! UGH SO MANY ANNOYANCES!
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Post by Nobody on Feb 9, 2013 15:56:26 GMT -5
My mom is being a pain. I want to spend the day with my cousin and she is saying "You need to do your chores" THEY ARE ALRETTY DONE! I want to spent the day with my cousin. I just need time with her, I want to have fun. Ugh I never get what I want. First my damn tablet breaks and I can't order a new one yet and all I want to do is scream at my mom to let me be with my cousin. T-T I NEED TIME WITH HER! Why is nothing able to go my way! UFGHFHGDF WHAT THE HELL! I just need something to calm me down. But my mother wont let me do anything to calm me down. UGH WHY ME! Starting this morning I got up took a shower and my left ear decides to not let me hear to well. After that my hair dryer doesn't work and I cant find my sisters hair straightener. After that... I find out that there is rumors about me going around. FUN! Following that I had talked to my mom about spending the day with my cousin. "If you get ALL your chores done." =_=;; I cleaned the kitchen cleaned up bird shit and put all my stuff away WHAT MORE CAN I DO! Nothing has gone my way today. Ugh I need a hug or something. I want to be with my cousin. THE BIRD WONT SHUT UP!!! UGH SO MANY ANNOYANCES! I don't know if it'd work for you, but I'd try saying to my mum, "Hey, mum? I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, but I did (insert chores here) and I'm not sure what else I should do. Do you have any more jobs for me?" My mum eventually gets bored with me, or runs out of jobs. Best of luck.
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Post by aulaura2 on Feb 12, 2013 22:24:20 GMT -5
I don't really know how this wokrs but, here I go.
Well everything is pissing me off lately, I lost a huge part of my life recently, My bestfriend Is moving away, My parents are fighting, my friends are always ditching me, and I'm falling behind on my studies and stories. Its really getting to me, and the only refuge I have is Anime and cutting. But I try SOOO hard not to cut, in fear of what my mom will do, so I end up drawing on myself. But I cant even watch anime anymore without feeling incompetent, everyone always fucking puts me down, caling me an idiot, yelling at me, even my FRIENDS! I-I hate it! I'e thought about suicide so many times a day, but I can't, because Im worried about my mom and out puppy, BUt I am so close to snapping, Hurting someone close to me. Not to mention im afraid of asking my mom to take me to get a mentaltity test, seeng as I am a borderline sociopath-as people tell me- and am Bi-polar and have such violent thoughts, I dont know what to do! Im scared.Im already bullied enough, I Just dont know what to do anymore...
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lostwriter
New Member
The Lost One Now Found And Willing To Help
Posts: 27
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Post by lostwriter on Feb 13, 2013 0:03:14 GMT -5
I don't really know how this wokrs but, here I go. Well everything is pissing me off lately, I lost a huge part of my life recently, My bestfriend Is moving away, My parents are fighting, my friends are always ditching me, and I'm falling behind on my studies and stories. Its really getting to me, and the only refuge I have is Anime and cutting. But I try SOOO hard not to cut, in fear of what my mom will do, so I end up drawing on myself. But I cant even watch anime anymore without feeling incompetent, everyone always fucking puts me down, caling me an idiot, yelling at me, even my FRIENDS! I-I hate it! I'e thought about suicide so many times a day, but I can't, because Im worried about my mom and out puppy, BUt I am so close to snapping, Hurting someone close to me. Not to mention im afraid of asking my mom to take me to get a mentaltity test, seeng as I am a borderline sociopath-as people tell me- and am Bi-polar and have such violent thoughts, I dont know what to do! Im scared.Im already bullied enough, I Just dont know what to do anymore... Hey, if you ever need someone, ever need a friend, I am here, just email me, or message me here. I know I am a stranger, but I know what you are going through, and I know you cannot go much longer without some sort of help. Even if that help is just me and you, talking about what issues you feel like you can discuss with a stranger, because I want to help, in any way I can. As I told my friend from Italy earlier today "Do not give up, on life, on yourself, or on anything, because one day, your story could help somebody that is just like you, but you have to be there to tell it." So, don't give up, because I have a feeling that one day, your story will help someone else, and who better to tell it than the one who lived through it?
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renaruki
New Member
I feel pain where you don't.
Posts: 17
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Post by renaruki on Feb 13, 2013 19:40:23 GMT -5
CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE!!!
Its about time that I vent on here.
Alright, this may be a very short post even though I am pissed.
All day I have been pissed. Starting with first hour... Alright I accidently hit someone and the person had to be a pain and tell the teacher getting me in trouble. Second hour, My assignment was apparently used to copy. I had the assignment the day yesterday and someone must have taken it off my desk getting me in trouble. Third hour, my teacher made me do an assignment three times because she didn't understand how i work so fast in that subject. Fourth hour, people just got on my nerves making me want to scream. Fifth hour, It was the only hour other than seventh that I had a break. Sixth, my damn sub didn't understand that when I am doing work not to bother me. I was in the middle of a question doing the work and everything and the sub asked me what I was doing. "I am doing the work." I said. "That's not how you do it, do it like everyone else." They remarked to me. "I'm getting the same answer so leave me alone." I was sent out into the hall. After that i had a slight temper. Now i get home 5:32 I sit at my computer and my dad tells me to make dinner. I couldn't relax after being at school from 7:30 to 5:15. I wanted to scream. I couldn't hear what my dad said so i told him I couldn't hear. I wound up getting hit and told to make dinner. So now I haven't eaten' since 10:30. I'm hungry and wanting so scream at everyone that is attempting to talk to me. My boyfriend attempted twenty minutes ago to calm me down. Now I just wish that I was dead. And wanting to cry.
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Post by emojackalope on Feb 14, 2013 3:12:23 GMT -5
CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE!!!
Its about time that I vent on here.
Alright, this may be a very short post even though I am pissed.
All day I have been pissed. Starting with first hour... Alright I accidently hit someone and the person had to be a pain and tell the teacher getting me in trouble. Second hour, My assignment was apparently used to copy. I had the assignment the day yesterday and someone must have taken it off my desk getting me in trouble. Third hour, my teacher made me do an assignment three times because she didn't understand how i work so fast in that subject. Fourth hour, people just got on my nerves making me want to scream. Fifth hour, It was the only hour other than seventh that I had a break. Sixth, my damn sub didn't understand that when I am doing work not to bother me. I was in the middle of a question doing the work and everything and the sub asked me what I was doing. "I am doing the work." I said. "That's not how you do it, do it like everyone else." They remarked to me. "I'm getting the same answer so leave me alone." I was sent out into the hall. After that i had a slight temper. Now i get home 5:32 I sit at my computer and my dad tells me to make dinner. I couldn't relax after being at school from 7:30 to 5:15. I wanted to scream. I couldn't hear what my dad said so i told him I couldn't hear. I wound up getting hit and told to make dinner. So now I haven't eaten' since 10:30. I'm hungry and wanting so scream at everyone that is attempting to talk to me. My boyfriend attempted twenty minutes ago to calm me down. Now I just wish that I was dead. And wanting to cry. Personally, I want to tell you to go stuff your foot up some of these people's bums, but since I would never do such, I have no right to encourage you to do so. One day, maybe far in the future, maybe tomorrow or the week after next, but you'll feel better. Just gotta be patient and walk straight through all the shit. Sure, your shoes will stink when you reach the grass, but you can always take em' off. ;D
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Post by Nobody on Feb 14, 2013 19:39:32 GMT -5
Valentine's day again...allow me to rephrase. valentine's day ALONE again. I may sound shallow or something, but I really just want someone to hold and call my own, as cheesy as it sounds. I like a girl who, on here I'm going to call her Nova, is my, like, BEST friend. And she knows I'm not straight, but she kinda ignores it. I REALLY like her, but she's straight and likes this total ass of a guy. She sees the good in everyone, but this guy is just BAD for her. And I want SO much to just reach out to her and wrap her in a hug and hold her close to my heart, but that would ruin things, you know? She doesn't dislike same sex stuff, but she certainly stays away from it, mainly because of her religion. So there's no chance for me anyway. So what's the point?! *sigh* And it gets worse. The only other person I kinda like right now is just plain COMPLICATED. I'm not gonna go VERY into it right now, but she needs me even more than I need me, which is probably why I'm still alive...
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