Lost's Outlet (Possible Trigger) - Poetry & Art

[lostwriter]

Scars, that's all they are now, all faded and gone, but at one point, they used to be constant reminders of the numbness I felt. The pain I wished to feel, and maybe, just maybe, you have felt the same.

Here is a thread where I will be placing my poetry from that time, and my art, which is much newer and usually much brighter, in contrast to the poetry. I may even, as time goes on, feel up to posting pictures I took of the cuts that once defined the emotion in my life. The one above is nothing more than one picture, one picture of around ten, of the many cuts that at one point lined my arm.

[lostwriter]

Wondering Worried

Distant eyes
A sad smile
A horrible question
No, a plea
From a boy loved
He doesn't believe it
And he wishes for death
By the hands of friends
Beaten and broken
But he's already broken
Pretty sure he's beaten too
A tried hug
Simply pushed away
Left standing alone
Watching him walk
So what if he's gay?
How bad did he mess up
To deserve death by friends?
Only class to distract from him
Wish he'd have told his story
Would've been late for him

Ode to Jack

He wants his life to end
Just 'cause he screwed up
How can I save him
If I can't even save myself
We share common bonds
Maybe too many to count
I call him my brother
Since he might as well be
I want to protect him
But it's me he wants to end him
So maybe I'll end us both
Not just him
Because ending just him is wrong
I can't let him go alone
So I'll go with him
Into the dark oblivion
If after everything I try fails
If after everything he chooses death
I will pull the trigger for us both
Or slit our throats
If he wants something bloody
'Cause watching him hurting is killing me
So to see him die
Would throw me over

These are two poems I wrote about a friend of mine, Jack, or at least I think we are still friends, after that day, the day these poems were written on, I no longer know. We no longer talk, I have not seen him in about a year, but he is still alive, having found friends who accept him for who he is. I do hope he has stopped harming, but I will never know, I suppose.

[lostwriter]

Night to Day

Night falls fast
In a world of darkness
All things made of shadows
All things gone and done
Remnants of the past
And glimmers of the future
Shrouded by shadows
And swallowed by darkness
Hope once found
Gets lost so quickly
Eternal night on the horizon
Nothing left
Only the darkness
And a deep, dark depression
That feeds from the darkness
Growing stronger and stronger
Never stopping
Only daylight breaks the curse
Throwing out the darkness
And illuminating the world
Throwing out the depression
And returning hope
Good friends appear
Then when darkness returns
There is still light
For friends carry
The brightest of lights

[lostwriter]

I Wanna See What They See

Things are fake
Things are wrong
No one understands
No one seems to care
Darkness reigns over this heart
All seems lost
All seems hopeless
Even the days are dimmer
The sunlight avoiding me
Friends do not see the fake smile
Or the fake laughter
Or the hear the lies
They only see what they want to see
The happiness behind the darkness
I wanna see that too
But they will not show me
For I cannot ask them
For fear of showing weakness
To those who need me most
I wanna see what they see
I wanna be who they see
So I let in the light
And slowly I see it
If even for a little while
The fake turns real
Things turn right
Everything seems to go okay
As the light begins to reign

[lostwriter]

The Do Not Know Me

They do not know me
The darkness that lies within
The sadness, the pain
No, they do not know it
They say they understand
I want to believe them
But they do not know me
They only know lies
And fear
That is who they think is me
They do not know me
The scars are deeper than they know
The wounds internal and external
Made by man and by metal
They do not see these
For they do not know me

[lostwriter]

Darkness to Light

Darkness surrounds
Everything seems so wrong
I look towards the sky
All I see is pain
Everything is falling apart
I cannot do anything
So I fall to my knees
Eyes screwed tight
Trying to fight the tears
The scars on my wrists
So fresh and so new
Burn brightly against pale flesh
But all is lost in the darkness
All hope, all thoughts, all life
Only the pain remains
Something breaks inside
The tears fall down
I cry out
Crying for the Lord
Needing him in every sense
His arms wrap tight
The darkness slowly fades away
Giving way to light
To hope, to life, to love
The scars blend in to pale flesh
I hold on tightly
My tears falling swiftly
Just to be wiped away by a gentle hand
I am now safe
I am alive
And I am in his arms
The darkness is gone

[lostwriter]

Unnamed Poem

You ask me how I feel.
I say fine.
I really mean I am dying every minute,
I go without the knife.

“Hey emo kid!”
I hear across the hall.
Not directed at me,
but the anger is still there.

I lack the black clothes,
the black hair, and the black nail polish.
But every other part of the stereotype,
yeah, that’s me.

I cut myself,
and some would say I do it wrong.
Then again, how would they know?
They have never self-harmed.

The sadness I feel,
it seems unnatural.
I cry too much,
and am often seen as weak.

However, what do they care?
I am just the prey.
The one with the scarred wrist.
The one without a life to live, according to them.

[lostwriter]

Keep Fighting

The lies begin to burn away,
like cigarettes in the night.
Turning to ashes,
in front of my eyes.

Everything seems distant,
even God seems far away.
I’ve lost all hope,
but it has not lost me.

We fight until the morning,
but then we give in.
We are then taken over again,
and destroyed in our sleep.

I cannot give in,
I must keep fighting.
No matter the cost.
No matter the price.

To lose the battle,
is to lose my life.
I have learned this the hard way,
with scars on the wrist.

[lostwriter]

Darkness Alone

The world has become jaded,
My heart has become stone.
All that I know,
Is darkness alone.

Tell me no secrets.
Tell me just lies.
For in the end,
The secrets are lies.

Katniss and Peeta,
Haymitch and Effie,
All of this fiction,
Treated as reality.
When will it end?
Where will it stopped?

I ask you my friend,
Do you only hear the music
When your heart begins to break?
Or do you always hear the music
Because your heart is always broken?

Does the darkness make you crumble?
Or does it make you stand tall?
Or like me do you simply slip into it,
Not knowing what you will find?

The world has become jaded,
My heart has become stone.
All that I know,
Is darkness alone.

[lostwriter]

Unnamed Poem (possibly unfinished)

There is darkness in my free bird heart.
Reflected on its inner walls,
Is the monster that I try to keep
Hidden in the farthest chamber
From the ones I love so dearly.

Maybe if I try to sleep,
This darkness will take over me.
Then leave behind an empty shell,
To begin, begin, begin again.

[Uuniison]

These are beautiful poems, no matter how sad they are. Great job.

[lostwriter]

Contemplating

They say I’m being lazy,
Well they do not know the truth.
My life hangs in the balance
And I may just cut it loose.

I’m on a downward path,
A speeding bullet train.
The wheels just keep on turning,
When I try to hit the brake.

So they don’t see the end
The one I’m about to take.
A single guy helped save my life,
But that was just for then.

If they keep up this clueless act
And keep putting off the signs
I may no longer be around,

Though I guess they wouldn’t care.
So many of them would be problem-less,
If I just disappeared.

So I’ll just pull the knife from the drawer
And place it at my wrist.

If any of them really care
They’ll find me soon enough.
But until they try and look
I’ll add a few more scars.

Because the pain is all I feel
And who said I had the guts?

[lostwriter]

Remove and Repeat

In darkness he triumphs,
‘til no light remains.

Blade to the skin,
remove and repeat.

Trade numbness for pain,
though not the right kind.

Until all that remains,
is a broken body and soul.

Blade to the skin,
remove and repeat.

Why such a struggle,
for mere emotions and feelings?

All bad things,
look worse in the end.

Blade to the skin,
remove and repeat.

Trying so hard,
but trying is done.

He feeds on the darkness,
makes it his home.

Blade to the skin,
remove and repeat.

Help arises,
To help a broken soul.

Little by little
light returns.

He soon falls,
so too does the darkness.

Blade to the skin,
remove forever and rejoice.

[lostwriter]

This is the last poem I wrote, I wrote it back in April of 2012 and it truly announces how far I have come, with my cutting. I wrote it to perform in front of a church group, which is why it is so religious, and honestly, I have started shying away from church more and more as I come to terms with my sexuality, because, even though I can fight any religious critic out there who says LGBTPQ people are "wrong" or "just going through a phase" I do not feel like doing so. Sure, I have religious friends, but I am not as close to them as I used to be. Yes, I still believe in God, but my views have started changing because I have seen hypocrites in the church, and that is what bothers me, but enough about my religious views, here is the poem.

How Far I Have Come

My life
Has been full
Of ups, and of downs
Left turns turned right
Right turns turned left
Some years passed quickly
While most passed, oh so slow
Seventeen years
Of trail and of tribulation

Born and raised Baptist
Then I fell away
Away from God
Away from church
Away from the girl I was
Turned away from all I knew
Became angry
Became hardened
Yet also broken

Bullied for years
Thirteen to be exact
You name it
They said it
I held it all in
Locking it away
Saving it for a rainy day
When I would break
Break down and cry

The cuts lined my arm
From wrist to elbow
Angry and broken
Misunderstood
Nothing could save me
So I believed
The tears stained the pillow
Then I found something
Something to believe in

I found God again
Found someone to talk with
Returned to church
All seemed well
I was still angry
Still broken
Still misunderstood
I was better
So I thought

Everything crashed around me
Tricked and deceived
More lies told
Not just by me
Mom lied
Dad lied
Therapist remained true
As did God
And his crew

Now I am here
Standing before you all
A young woman
Still slightly broken
Yet stronger than before
A heart of gold
A walk with God
Renewed faith
Renewed spirit

I tell you all this
Not to laugh
Not to cry
Not even to reflect
Only to show you
Just how far
The broken loner girl
The one with the big heart
Just how far she has come

[lostwriter]

This image was drawn, by me, on request from a very depressed friend of mine. She is suicidal and the only reason she has not tried, is because her parents watch her like hawks, which actually make things worse. I am going to suggest this site to her, because she needs someplace she can go to just be free, to be free of her parents, and so that, when I am not there, she can still have someone to talk to.